I understand why people ask me when my guy and I are tying the knot. We share a mortgage, a dog, and have been together for (holy shit!) four years. And when you reach a certain point in your relationship, your family and friends deem “so when are you two finally getting married?” a perfectly reasonable question. And they ask it. Again and again they ask.
If you’re anything like me, you’re starting to get annoyed by their prodding. So instead of launching into a rant about how you and your guy don’t herald that piece of paper as meaningful, or pointing out the sky-high divorce rate (let alone the average cost of a wedding), I put together a list of responses that will ensure your great aunt Madge never asks about your marital plans again. Ever.
10. “Well we want a spring wedding, but venues are just so expensive in the spring months. So we’re crossing our fingers that, a few years down the road, climate change will extend the warmth of spring well into February.”
9. “Oh, I thought you knew. I’m already married. Married to DANGER.”
8. “We’ve just been so busy lately, what with stockpiling supplies in preparation for the zombie apocalypse, that we haven’t had a chance to think about a wedding.”
7. “No marriage for us, thanks. If we were a married couple, our constant sex with strangers would go from relationship perk to legitimate sin.”
6. “We would throw a wedding, but we already own crystal stemware, embroidered tea towels, several salt and pepper shakers, and four crock pots. So what on Earth would we register for?”
5. “But if we get married, our assets would be merged. And I DO NOT want to own half of a Star Wars memorabilia collection. Fuck that.”
4. “Come on. Me, in a virginal white dress? (scoff) I wouldn’t fool anyone.”
3. “We’re already married, in a way. Mortgage married. And it’s harder to get out of a mortgage than it is to get out of a marriage. Just ask my alcoholic mother.”
2. “Funny you should mention it. I sure would love to be a bride. But I’m not financially prepared to secure bail money for each and every member of the wedding party, post-bachelor/bachelorette party. Plus if you get arrested on a Friday, you’re stuck in the slammer till Monday. And my girlfriends may resent me if they have to ‘walk of shame’ it, in heels, downtown during rush hour.”
1. “If we get married, I’ll inevitably receive a string of shallow, insincere congratulations from my virtual friends when I change my Facebook relationship status. Which will prompt me to finally unfriend all those people who I seldom see or barely know. And I like appearing popular online.”
Bonus: “When are we getting married? We just broke up. Thanks for reopening that wound.” Begin sobbing, and run out of the room.
What do you tell your boyfriend’s family when they ask about your marital plans? Tweet me your handiest responses!