Despite the countless blissful experiences you’ll enjoy as a quasi-adult, there are some painful choices that come with maturing. Among the most difficult is choosing to date people that have their shit together. Sure, it was fun in high school to hook up with the pot dealing, hard partying guys solely because the sex was fantastic. But now that you’re kicking ass in the real world, you’ll need a strong man that can keep up with you.
Are you attracted to losers? You may need to alter your love strategy if your guy fits more than two of the following criteria.
He doesn’t own a couch
Which is why he always wants to hang out on yours. Watch out, it’s only a matter of time before he moves his Xbox and sneaker collection into your place, uninvited.
He doesn’t know his own social security number
If he’s over the age of 16 and doesn’t have his social security number committed to memory, chances are, he hasn’t held a steady job, filed his taxes, or registered the utilities at his home under his own name either — if he has a home of his own, that is. These are all classic tells of a loser.
He speaks ill of exes
Regardless of how disastrous the relationship, or painful the breakup, most good men will be chivalrous enough to omit the less-than-flattering details about their past relationships. If he’s airing all his ex’s dirty laundry especially early in the courtship, chances are he’s too immature to understand he had a hand in their breakup too. He’s misguided, and thinks demonstrating his ex’s obsession over him will make him appear more desirable to you.
He has more than two selfies on his Facebook profile
A man who snaps pic after pic of his reflection in the bathroom mirror is, at best, a narcissist, or worse, a douchebag. But I’ll give a pass to guys who have only one or two selfies on their profile — I understand all too well that we don’t often appear in pictures by ourselves, and we need to post something in that little box.
His grooming regimen takes longer than yours
Chances are, if you’re dating a loser, it’s because he’s good-looking. If he didn’t have his looks to fall back on, he couldn’t maintain his lifestyle. So if he spends an hour trimming his goatee, styling his hair, selecting an outfit, and (barf) applying makeup of any kind, I advise you to run. It’s not just your attention he’s hoping to grab when he gets all gussied up.
He guilts you for having a life
If a girls-only karaoke night, a solo trip to the gym, or a night at home alone on the couch elicits whining or a guilt trip, he’s probably a loser. You should never have to feel restricted by your relationship, and should pursue your own passions outside of it. Imagine how great it would be to have a boyfriend that appreciated your independence, instead of putting you down for it. Speaking of put downs…
He criticizes you
It’s one thing for your boyfriend to have a stake in the big decisions in your life, but it’s quite another for him to criticize your appearance or your dinner order. A real man will acknowledge your faults, but he knows when to keep his opinion to himself.
He drops off the face of the Earth
If he regularly disappears for several days at a time (given he isn’t employed by a secretive government agency) he’s probably a loser. There’s considerable wiggle room in the average span of time you’ll go without contact depending on the stage of your relationship. But if he goes a week without calling, there’s something up.
He doesn’t like your friends
We all have that one friend our man hates. You know the one, that gets you drunk and abandons you at the bar, or that gossips behind your back. But if he hasn’t a kind word to say about any of your pals, it’s because he’s possessive And despite the popularity of the Twilight franchise, stalking isn’t sexy, it’s creepy.
He doesn’t do his own laundry OR pick up the tab
All relationships follow a different dynamic. Some couples split the tab on dinner equally, while some women expect their man should always pay, and still other women are offended when a man foots the bill for their meal. Same goes for the division of labor around the house. But there should be give and take in a relationship. So consider how much of the weight you pull, compared to his contribution. If you’re handling things at home and footing the bill for the fun, he’d better be going down on you, like, every single day.
I want your horror stories. Tell me about the biggest loser you’ve ever dates in the comments or tweet me.