I have a few skills that should give me an edge, should a mysterious outbreak cause zombies to take control of the Earth: I’m an accurate shot with a pistol, I’m fairly physically fit, I’m well-versed in zombie mythology, and I have a few pairs of Mad-Max-style boots that are perfect for an apocalyptic scenario.
But I’m stunted by a few weaknesses that would prevent me from surviving the first week of the zombie apocalypse. Here’s why I’m doomed.
I wear contact lenses
Whether I lose my glasses in a zombie scuffle, or my contacts dry out after a period of extended wear, I’ll eventually lose my vision correcting tools and be nearly blind. After all, I doubt 1-800 Contacts will be delivering post-apocalypse.
I sleep naked
Given I spend a third of the day in bed, there’s a solid chance zombies will descend on me while I’m sleeping, just by pure probability. And because I sleep naked, I’ll either get bitten while hurriedly dressing myself, or I’ll end up escaping my house in the nude, and quickly freeze to death.
When the shit hits the fan, I lose all control of my reasoning and motor skills. And those are things I’ll need when faced with the walking dead.
I love my dog too much
If I know my dog, she will quickly launch into attack mode, should zombies penetrate our home fortress. And because I adore her, I will do anything to rescue her from the hoard, likely jeopardizing my own life in the process.
I have a terrible sense of direction
Head north for salvation you say? Without GPS, I can barely find my way to the new H&M a town over. I will be lost and screwed in no time.
I’m addicted to Diet Coke
Should I lose access to this artificially-sweetened beverage, I’ll get crippling headaches that will impede my ability to fight off the zombies.
I don’t wake up early
Should I find myself roaming the countryside or camping out, I’ll be less than likely to start the day at dawn like I should. And when I wake at noon, I’ll be surrounded by ravenous zombies and it’ll be too late.
I can’t deal with being sticky
Even in the best scenario, I’m likely to get grimy with blood, sweat, and debris in the zombie apocalypse. And that isn’t gonna work for me. I simply can’t tolerate being sticky or filthy, and am likely to use my limited water supply to rinse my hands. Then die of thirst.
I walk loud
Any efforts I make to be stealthy will be for naught. When I walk, I know no other way than to stomp loudly.
I would die without Game of Thrones
If the zombie apocalypse begins before Game of Thrones season 4 premieres, I will probably just die of despair.
How do you think you’d fare in the zombie apocalypse? Tell me in the comments or tweet me!