10 reasons I wouldn’t survive the zombie apocalypse

10 reasons I wouldn’t survive the zombie apocalypse // A Light Edit

I have a few skills that should give me an edge, should a mysterious outbreak cause zombies to take control of the Earth: I’m an accurate shot with a pistol, I’m fairly physically fit, I’m well-versed in zombie mythology, and I have a few pairs of Mad-Max-style boots that are perfect for an apocalyptic scenario.

But I’m stunted by a few weaknesses that would prevent me from surviving the first week of the zombie apocalypse. Here’s why I’m doomed.

I wear contact lenses

Whether I lose my glasses in a zombie scuffle, or my contacts dry out after a period of extended wear, I’ll eventually lose my vision correcting tools and be nearly blind. After all, I doubt 1-800 Contacts will be delivering post-apocalypse.

I sleep naked

Given I spend a third of the day in bed, there’s a solid chance zombies will descend on me while I’m sleeping, just by pure probability. And because I sleep naked, I’ll either get bitten while hurriedly dressing myself, or I’ll end up escaping my house in the nude, and quickly freeze to death.

I panic

When the shit hits the fan, I lose all control of my reasoning and motor skills. And those are things I’ll need when faced with the walking dead.

I love my dog too much

If I know my dog, she will quickly launch into attack mode, should zombies penetrate our home fortress. And because I adore her, I will do anything to rescue her from the hoard, likely jeopardizing my own life in the process.

I have a terrible sense of direction

Head north for salvation you say? Without GPS, I can barely find my way to the new H&M a town over. I will be lost and screwed in no time.

I’m addicted to Diet Coke

Should I lose access to this artificially-sweetened beverage, I’ll get crippling headaches that will impede my ability to fight off the zombies.

I don’t wake up early

Should I find myself roaming the countryside or camping out, I’ll be less than likely to start the day at dawn like I should. And when I wake at noon, I’ll be surrounded by ravenous zombies and it’ll be too late.

I can’t deal with being sticky

Even in the best scenario, I’m likely to get grimy with blood, sweat, and debris in the zombie apocalypse. And that isn’t gonna work for me. I simply can’t tolerate being sticky or filthy, and am likely to use my limited water supply to rinse my hands. Then die of thirst.

I walk loud

Any efforts I make to be stealthy will be for naught. When I walk, I know no other way than to stomp loudly.

I would die without Game of Thrones

If the zombie apocalypse begins before Game of Thrones season 4 premieres, I will probably just die of despair.

How do you think you’d fare in the zombie apocalypse? Tell me in the comments or tweet me!

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